Posted on Apr 26, 2019 | 7 comments

The cycles of time have returned to the rebirth of spring here in central Missouri and it is a welcome sight to be sure! No one that I am aware of would push her arrival off any longer than necessary – certainly not I. I love hearing the birds announcing her arrival and beginning new life of their own. I love seeing the tiny signs of life spring up in the form of daffodils, tulips and yes, dandelions. I love being able to sit on the porch and breathe deeply of the warm air filtering in through the slightly cool breezes. I love everything there is about this time of the year….it is rejuvenating to say the least.

This spring is a bit different. My house is empty. Not only of furniture, which has all been sold in the anticipation of the closing of my house, but of my husband’s presence. It is rare, I think, that anyone appreciates someone as much as they should …. until they are no longer there. I think there is a song about that – if not, there should be. Sitting on the deck in the morning without that fresh cup of coffee that Jim just made for me, smiling that quirky smile of his and being so energetic way too early in the morning….well, makes me appreciate the little things he did. That fresh cup of coffee wasn’t just ‘coffee’ either, it had a dash of MCT oil in it, a splash of cream, a tiny bit of stevia and then it was all whirled up in my nutrabullet. And he figured all that out himself by just watching me make it. Simple things, but oh so memorable. Then of course there are the ‘bigger’ things that he did that I never noticed. Like keeping the cars cleaned, changing the oil and all the other stuff that goes along with owning a car, a house, a yard….and bills. All those little things that now need a new caretaker. Guess that’s me.

The Hospice team in our area that helped me when Jim was ‘transitioning to a higher pay grade’ sponsored a memorial of life dinner this past week. It was definitely bittersweet. All 8 of our granddaughters came, including my daughter in law Cheryl and my parents. The love they showed by just being there helped me know that their love is deeply rooted in family…which is what matters first and foremost.  It was heartbreaking to see those two empty chairs where our sons would have sat….our youngest, Jason already on the other side with Jim, and my oldest, Jim (III) spending time in a prison system on trumped up charges. It was hard to look at those two empty chairs as we celebrated their dad’s life without them present. But the tight hugs and smiles from our ‘girls’ got us all through the night.

To date, it has been 4 months since my husband, Jim, passed, 19 months since Jason passed, and 43 months since our oldest Jim has walked through our door. I miss my ‘boys’ deeply, yet I ‘feel’ their presence. Sometimes, yes, in the very smallest of ways – and sometimes in great big ways. The big ways make me go ‘wow’ … the small ways … well, they make the eyes water a bit. No matter which hits me however, my 4 legged companion, Serena, seems to sense it and comes and lays her big ole head on my lap, looking up at me with those comforting big brown eyes. And then my heart can untwist, my stomach unknot and it’s a bit easier to breathe. Without family and friends, and yes, Serena, it would be hard to keep going forward. But it would be totally impossible without my ‘hope in God’.

And then my mind wanders to all those that are hurting and crying out and swamped in tears….so many around the world that have no hope, no family, no friends, no Serena. It is definitely not a place anyone would choose to find oneself in, but unfortunately, it is a place that many end up lost in. But it is also a place where you don’t have to stay either. You can of course, if you choose to do so…it is a place filled with many souls, some that have been there for years and have lost all hope. However, with even the tiniest whisper of hope one can crawl out of that black hole and see the sunlight once again. With the littlest bit of effort, one can again hear the warble of birds singing, breathe in the freshness of a spring breeze and delight in the sweetness of friends and family again. Yes, just the tiniest bit of effort will be rewarded with a tiny bit more, and then again, and then again, until all of the sudden, you find yourself standing up  and looking forward to the day.

Hope. Hope in the One who has all of the cosmos in His control. Hope in the Creator of the cosmos, the Creator of the universe, the Creator of you. Hope….because YOU matter to Him. Now, for those of you still lost in hopelessness….look up, He’s waiting.

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7 Comments

  1. 5-3-2019

    I understand what you have spoken

    • 5-6-2019

      Thank you Sandy

  2. 5-3-2019

    Thank you so much for offering the hope we all need to focus on. I was my moms caregiver while she was in hospice. She passed July 25th 2018. Six months later my sister was placed in a nursing home with dementia.She is only 64.We live 12 hours from each other. As you stated our hope is in our Messiah, our redeemer, our king of kings.
    My prayers are with you thru the grieving of your husband and son.

    • 5-13-2019

      Oh Patty, my heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you and know that you are not alone….HE is still in charge and while circumstances can blindsight us and make us feel so inadequate and lost, we have to remind ourselves to allow Him to lead us. Prayers Patty!

  3. 5-6-2019

    This is so beautiful, Pam. And it’s amazing the compassion that opens up in our hearts for others when we find ourselves in their shoes. I really admire how much you have been able to do on your own. I know that you don’t feel like it, but you actually are an inspiration. Keep living your life.

    • 5-6-2019

      That is so sweet of you to say that Jessica. I’m thankful for friends like you and Terry who actually do come to my aid when I don’t feel like I can ‘do it on my own’ 😉 …. love you guys!

  4. 5-7-2019

    Thanks Pam……….I needed that reminder today!!!!!!!!!!!!

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