Posted on Jan 26, 2018 | 2 comments

At bible study last week, we entered into one of our many rabbit trails. Thank goodness for rabbit trails!

As we shared around the table and concerns came and went within the group – someone said that my ‘coughing’ (a 2 1/2 yr problem) might be a symptom related to ‘grief’ and reminded me that she had told me such a year ago. Really, I thought to myself. I didn’t remember that, but it did stick with me as my mind delved into the memory banks of my psyche as I tried to pull things forth to remember what she had said. Nothing came up.

That night it was still on my mind and as I laid down to go to sleep – I asked the Father to give me insight into whether this coughing and other health symptoms for the last 2+ years could possibly be related to something called grief. Goodness knows, I had experienced a lot of stress and problems in the last few years – but for it to cause such ongoing health issues?! Surely there would have to be more to it than a bit of stress. Would it not make more sense for the experiences of life to simply influence feelings of desperation, depletion and a worn out feeling rather than health issues? But after several years of suffering, it didn’t take long to convince myself to look a bit deeper and think outside my proverbial box. And this subject … grief… had come up one too many times – it was weighing too heavily on my heart. Little did I know what would transpire later that night.

As I tossed and turned, wrestling with unraveling the chaotic and unruly dimensions of the dreams, the night dwindled and rays of light began to sneak into the northern windows of my room. The chaos seemed to quiet and the pieces seemed to begin to slowly connect. As the dream state gained clarity it was as if I was standing outside myself, amazed at the developing scene! Let me try to explain, because really, I’m not crazy.

It doesn’t really seem necessary to go into all the sordid details of the whys and wherefores of how I arrived at this present situation.  Suffice it to say that it slowly edged its way in – it just did – and it could have been from any number of situations and circumstances. What is the most important thing to realize now is that it did happen, and we are here in the present, recognizing that something is terribly off kilter. Those moments of yesterday have so infiltrated the joy and confidence of living fully in my life that it is time to STOP, DROP and PRAY. It is time to seek help from the only One that has help to give. And it was time to LISTEN.

So let me try to explain this experience received in a dream, from the present, reaching back to the past.

Wrapping my brain around the ‘where’ I was in this dream state, it seemed to be that there was a heavy, steel meshed army blanket wrapped tightly around me. I struggled to free myself from it but it was so heavy … so very heavy and cumbersome and it seemed to take everything in me to lift a corner of it to begin to free myself of its weight. Crawling out from beneath it, examining it as it lay there – a name began to glow across the dirty death gray colors and HUMILIATION came into full view. It was like a neon sign – blinking red and white, red and white. Shocked and dismayed, I struggled to back away from the intensity of the meaning and managed to crawl away and kick it into the corner of the room. But even though it was now lifeless and lied in the proverbial corner, looking so old and heavy and dirty – I realized that I was not free! Other dark, dank and wet blankets were still heavy on my shoulders! That first blanket of HUMILIATION lay there useless and still, but there was more to be done.

The next blanket seemed to be coming alive … it seemed to be woven with maggots and creepy crawly things reeking of a subtle bloody red stain from the wounds it had inflicted… again, old and decaying. Its name was filled with a combination of BITTERNESS and FRUSTRATION and had overshadowed a lot of my life due to what was perceived as the injustices of the world and mankind against me, especially injustices of those closest to my heart. Real or perceived – it didn’t matter – as they all were intermingled into one ugly glob. That wreaking, deadly blanket, had brought forth the HUMILIATION rag which prevented a successful and joyful sense of living. As I ripped that deathly wrap from body in my dreams and cast it aside with the nasty blanket of HUMILIATION I exclaimed triumphantly that I was FREE!!! But to my utter dismay, again – I was not! There was more, but seriously, how much more could one body endure? How had we gotten to this level of despair?

Sinking deeper, falling to my knees and weeping uncontrollably within my dream, the cause of all my emotional, physical and spiritual quandaries became crystal clear … beneath the rags (as they could not qualify for anything else) of Humiliation and Frustration/Bitterness …yes… arose the security blanket of GRIEF. GRIEF was the blanket that I had carried throughout all my years! I recognized it immediately! It was that long forgotten little blanket given to me as a child to ease my fears, to hide my face in when tears escaped. It had originally been a beautiful fuzzy little pink blanket with lovingly sewn silk edges that comforted me in my pain and hurts. It was my ‘baby blanket’ that nurtured and protected my heart when it was broke. It became the symbol, the icon of a trusted friend who protected the heart of a child who experienced rejection in some way, shape or form.

So there we have it…a soul who had originally been thought of in HIS IMAGE, wrapped in HIS BREATH and had rested in HIS LOVE and HIS LOVING CARE had crossed into another realm of time and now had tasted the experiences of living in a confined time.  A soul that had been protected and nurtured by the Creator of Life outside of time had collided with life in another time and had been met with rejection on various levels.   Instinctively recoiling and covering up the pain with a security measure of protection, blanketing the hurt.

Where does that rejection first come from? How could it grow without one noticing? How did it come to be so many? Could it be possible that it is initially from within your mother’s womb? Could her life experiences, her hurts, her fears, her rejections become internalized and pass through the veils – becoming a part of who you are? Were you able to feel those vibrations within your protected place? Maybe. Worth more than a few thoughts anyway. Then later comes that child’s own grasp of rejection outside the cocoon of safety – in the form of a cry not answered, of an experience not pleasant, of bullying, of failure and on and on. And as rejection grows and insecurity builds we begin to wrap our lives in concealment with various coverings, until we are so far from our ‘beginning’ we do not know who we are anymore!

So after realizing that the heavy rag of HUMILIATION was the ultimate layer, followed by the wounds of BITTERNESS/FRUSTRATION, all produced and fed from a protective layer of GRIEF we have reached the true cause … FEAR OF REJECTION. The child’s heart that lies beneath all the weight of the rags accumulated throughout the years of survival, the chaos that covers up the innocence and purity of the heart of that child of God, still beats. That tender heart which the Father touched with His breath, His life, His will still desires to be nurtured, to be cared for, to believe in the realm of the good and the pure; even when the experiences of life have calloused and broken it beyond recognition.

So finally, here is where we are…. Back at the beginning. We are taking time to ‘see’ the child within who is innocent and believing and trusting and hopeful. We are stopping and facing full in the face all our fears, all our distrusts, all our issues and coming, slowly, to the realization that we are still, down deep beneath the facades, the same essence that HE first created! YES! We are still as we were in the beginning, because ALL of the circumstances and situations that we have encountered during this journey are simply one thing – EXPERIENCES along the way! Think on that, chew on that, ponder and meditate on that – they … are … simply …. EXPERIENCES – along the way of life. Experiences that are meant to be used to learn how to LIVE. No more…no less. Experiences that come about because of choices, or come about just because. Experiences that result from our own issues, or the result of our reacting instead of responding. There is a depth of understanding in that last phrase if one takes the time to delve into the ocean of meaning it contains. Experiences are neither ‘good nor bad’ … they simply exist. Assigning a good or bad quality to an experience only comes from our own perspective. To one they may be a ‘good’ thing – to another not so much. It is all based on our perspective of how it should be. Please turn that over a few times in your heart. It will change your outlook and the way your life. And when we learn to step back and learn how to ‘respond’ rather than immediately ‘react’ – our experiences will teach us, not drain us.

As the dream state began to wind down and wakefulness began to emerge, I wondered – ok – now whatwhat do I do with all this? How can I use this experience to learn how to live – to be healed in every aspect of this life? And immediately the answer of clarity exploded around me and the true reality of who I was and who I am is now in full agreement with the child within and the old woman without. The veil has been torn and reality has been exposed … the LEGION of angels that surrounded and protected my existence in the beginning are now fully visible in all their glory and brilliance – so vibrant they take one’s breath away! Why did I not see them before? It is so obvious now! In my hand is clutched the Sword of Truth (symbolized by the Sword of Solomon that my son Jason presented to me on my 65th birthday) and before and behind and above and below is the pure white light of the Messiah who walks before me! THIS LIGHT, THIS KNOWLEDGE has fully disintegrated the scraps and worn threads of those filthy blankets that blocked out the brilliance of Messiah fullness. It has reduced the perceived or real issues to simply what they truly are – experiences. And experiences are simply meant to be used as guideposts along the journey of life. No longer will I reach for the wretched rags of heaviness to comfort and ease perceived painful experiences. No longer will I allow the stench of humiliation, fueled by bitterness and frustration fed by the mantle of grief due to perceived rejection causing my heart to fear and fail. NO…. not today, not today.

Today… I am bathed in the LIGHT and can SEE. This journey…..is just beginning!

 

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2 Comments

  1. 2-3-2018

    Wow, I could have wrote the beginning of this. It is a beautifully horrid picture of how I feel. Yet I have not yet gotten to the last paragraph. I feel like I am drowning in my grief and every time I try to untangle myself something/someone comes along to remind me that I am not welcome to take the rags off. They define me to this world and this world will do everything in it’s power to keep me hidden in these rags. I feel powerless.

    • 2-5-2018

      Jill – look at it like this if you can. THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD are >>> NOT YOU < << I repeat – the voices that make all the noise in your head are NOT YOU! … the ESSENCE of you sits WAY deeper than those voices … the essence of you was given to you by the Holy One Himself…and He does not make mistakes! So….. LET the naysayers come along and wag their bony fingers at you…let them chide you and let them wag their tongues. PRACTICE how to LISTEN with the essence deep within you (the one connected and given to you by the Creator) and IGNORE the voices in your head!!! We can drive ourselves nuts with all the back and forth that we create (STATIC NOISE) with those voices. WE are NOT those voices! We are simply OBSERVING those voices in our head … and you can CHOOSE not to listen. When they start up … just tell yourself … whatever happens…whatever is said “I’m going to be ok” … “I’m going to be ok” either way. Remember to WHOM you belong…remember from WHERE you came from (deep within His heart) and remember WHAT all that noise is … simply just noise!

      YOU belong to HIM. I know it can be hard (ask me how I know this) but it DOES work! We CAN begin to believe in the words HE gave to us if we CHOOSE to do so! So….. choose LIFE!!

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