Posted on Oct 17, 2017 | 22 comments

Yes….this is a personal post again. It is therapy for me.

It has been three weeks yesterday that the Lincoln county sheriff knocked on our door. It has been three weeks yesterday since our world fell apart. It has been three weeks yesterday since our baby boy (even if he WAS 41), Jason Scott Staley, left this world for another. Three weeks. A lifetime. An eternity.

Jason was my baby …. he came into this world smiling. He was a sweet, compassionate, loving and easy-going child and carried that on through adulthood. His blonde hair and blue eyes captivated everyone that met him and his bigger than life smile held your heart. Even when his blonde hair turned brown, his smile drew you in. He was a charmer and one couldn’t help being drawn into his circle. I miss him greatly.

During his early years he was carefree and always smiling even while trying to outrun the shadow of his bigger brother, who came into this world 14 months earlier. He was always following him around and working hard to define himself under his big brother’s mantle. Sometimes, the only way to find yourself is to strike out on your own. And he did.

He struck out on his own way too early though. We had begged him and threatened him to stay home, but he ‘knew’ better and wanted to begin a life of his own. Yes, it is with regret that we didn’t drag him home, maybe it would have been an easier life for him. Who knows? But … love has a way of doing that to you and being with the love of one’s life will always trump a parents tears and threats. Maybe we would have been successful if Jay had been a Jan…maybe, but he wasn’t, and he wanted to be his own man. It was not a cake-walk for him and we will always carry that burden of what-ifs with us.

His struggles in that new family and his easy going and compassionate nature gave way to his weaknesses in order to be ‘accepted’. It took years for him to ‘find himself’ and get back on track and someday, maybe, we will be able to share a bit more about his struggles in order to help other young people overcome their issues or at least know where to look to find help. One person’s struggles or successes never affects just one person…it affects a multitude of people.

Why the Holy One, the Creator of all of us, only numbered Jason’s days from November 11, 1975 to September 24, 2017…we will never, ever understand in this lifetime. In our perspective, his time was way too short, too much still left to do, to experience, to accomplish.

His hard work in the industry he found himself in was on the verge of exploding and he was offered the opportunity to manage and run the new branch being opened … it was his dream. He was headed to Florida the next day to finalize plans and he was so very excited to finally be recognized for the knowledge and skills he possessed. His oldest had recently graduated highschool and was striking out on  her own, and his youngest, was an A+ student with never a day of school missed. He was so very proud of both of them. He would always tell me ‘he lived for them’. It is still surreal that he is no longer in this realm. So many things that he will not be a part of……walking his girls down the aisle, holding his grand children on his knee, growing old….no….I will never understand. For him to be struck down by an anuerism is just beyond comprehension!

That being said, Jason touched a lot of lives – in many ways. His highest accomplishment is his legacy of his two beautiful, precious and loving daughters, our grand daughters. Both of them have his strength and his love for people. Both of them are determined, smart and passionate. Our children are what keep us going … our children are our legacy … our children … stand upon our shoulders and look a little further than we did. Jason did, and does.

Yes, I miss you baby boy….momma misses you.

Picture is from Sukkot 2016

22 Comments

  1. 10-17-2017

    This too is a season dear sister. You will see him again. This is our great hope. Praying for you dearest lady.

    • 10-17-2017

      Thank you Pam – yes – it is a season – I know. But one that I would never have applied to walk through. But…..I trust in HIS promises – and He promises that we will meet again! Selah…..

  2. 10-17-2017

    Writing always is therapeutic. It is good for you and for many others who share in your pain. Raw and real….the only thing really worth publishing. 💜

    • 10-17-2017

      Thank you Marlene…that was so encouraging what you wrote – raw and real. My ‘logical side’ says I should be posting about ‘serious things’, ‘religious and uplifting things’, … and yet… my heart needs to ‘speak’ …. and raw and real is the only thing that comes through. Yes, I admit – it might just be for me … and maybe some should not be ‘public’ … but it is what it is (as Jay would say)…. thank you.

  3. 10-17-2017

    What a beautiful tribute to your son. Writing is good therapy and it is wonderful that you can do this. Time will soften the rawness of your pain. Time will heal, to some degree the suffering you feel now. I think your words speak to many people. In your pain and sadness you are also ministering to others. What an amazing gift Abba has given to you. May you truly be blessed. Much love to you.

  4. 10-17-2017

    Praying for you dear sister, Love Love Love you.
    Best words I can hope to console you, the song:

    I’m only human, I’m just a woman
    Help me believe in what I could be
    And all that I am
    Show me the stairway I have to climb

    One day at a time sweet Jesus
    That’s all I’m askin’ of you
    Just give me the strength Lord for my sake, help me to take
    One day at a time

    To do every day what I have to do
    Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus
    And tomorrow may never be mine
    Lord, help me today, show me the way
    One day at a time

    Do you remember when you walked among men
    Well Jesus you know
    If you’re lookin’ below, it’s worse now than then
    Pushin’ and shovin’ and crowdin’ my mind
    So for my sake, teach me to take
    One day at a time

    One day at a time sweet Jesus
    That’s all I’m askin’ of you
    Just give me the strength
    To do every day what I have to do
    Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus
    And tomorrow may never be mine
    Lord, help me today, show me the way
    One day at a time

    • 10-17-2017

      ahhhh…yes….beautiful…and yes…one day at a time!

  5. 10-17-2017

    I know your pain I lost my son in 2004, yes it gets easier but the pain never goes away. You are so lucky to have your face book friends to share your pain with. It is a great tribute to your son and I am sure that it helps you and is good therapy. My Prayers are with you and your family and I love reading your memories.

    • 10-17-2017

      Thank you Peggy – it is a strange world we live in nowadays….would never have thought of sharing my deepest and rawest emotions about something so personal even 5 years ago…but …. somehow…today…it seems appropriate and such therapy for me. For actually – when I write – I feel like I’m the only one reading it … it’s like an open diary I guess. Or maybe more like someone looking over my shoulder as I pour out my heart.

  6. 10-17-2017

    For many, your posts are like a greeting card. (Pam is thinking “That’s a strange statement.”) How many times have you picked up a card and thought or said, “That’s exactly what I wanted to say, I just didn’t have the words!” Well, my sister, you have the words many others are unable to, or maybe are afraid to express. Your faith and trust in the love of your Heavenly Father for you and your family, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO HIM, is the courage some need to step out and trust Him with their heart. It’s as if I can see you as a little girl sitting on your Father’s lap crying and beating on His chest, and Father allows you that time of deep anger and hurt. His tears mingle with yours as He strokes your hair and softly sings a song of love over you. No words will be a satisfactory explanation so in His wisdom, He remains silent, knowing that one day you will Know all. His trust in you to continue in your walk is more precious than gold. He looks at Jason and says, “I am so proud of my daughter. She is an oak of righteousness displaying the glory of my splendor!”
    You may not see it yourself Pam, but others do. You are so grafted into the Olive Tree your roots are even entwined and you can do nothing else but to “Stand, therefore…” remember, it is GOD’s armor you are wearing and it looks so good on you!

    • 10-17-2017

      Oh my …. tears streaming down my face, my heart caught in a fist grip…..but you’re words are a healing balm that has just soaked my nephesh!!!! yes… I am that little girl … and yes….our tears have mingled and He has held me tight…on more than one…or two…or three or more occasions. And I can do nothing else but ‘stand’. Many blessings Virginia!

      • 10-17-2017

        And standing before the mirror dressed in Father’s armor what do you see? A REFLECTION OF FATHER! Re-read Ephesians 6:10-13************ 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.*** If you are wearing Father’s armor the enemy doesn’t see you HE SEES FATHER STANDING THERE! I never thought of that before. We get all crazy about the different parts of armor and what they do, etc., etc., etc. But it says to STAND and then just describes what we are wearing/carrying in case we want to know. If we don’t put it on we are easy targets, but if we put on Abba’s armor every day the enemy can’t see us unless we show ourselves. Interesting.

  7. 10-17-2017

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and a little bit about your son – it’s nice to see a little “snapshot” of who he is. I weep with you and pray with you. May His peace wrap around you! {{{HUGS}}}

  8. 10-17-2017

    I remember counting the days since when I lost my first born son age 27. At some point I took comfort noting today I am “one day closer” to our reunion instead of focusing on how long it’s been. I lift you in your first year of leading up to the anniversary. My son went in 2012 and I still have moments that it feels like a fresh relevation that he is gone from me. But I’ve got control now of how long and how deep the pain gets to visit. You will too.

    • 10-20-2017

      Thank you Melissa – I know I will get to that ‘day’ … I know it … but today … it just ‘still hurts’ Thank you and bless you!

  9. 10-18-2017

    I so agree with everything everyone else has said to you, Pam! I lost a dear friend years ago to an aneurysm when she was about the same age as Jason. I also lost my sister in 1979 at the age of 42. And then, my daughter when she was 24. These losses still hurt. You keep right on writing, Pam… as someone said, your words are helping someone else who does not have the gift of expressing themselves and their pain. We all love you and your family, probably more than you can know!
    From your Texas Hill Country friend…

    • 10-20-2017

      Oh my dear TX Hill Country sister …. thank you for taking the time to reach out to touch and bless my heart. Thank you for your love and support and mostly for just being there in this time of tears…..that I know will turn to joy when we meet Him face to face!

  10. 10-18-2017

    Know that Pearl and I are weeping with you…
    We know your pain and send our love…

    • 10-20-2017

      Thank you Jay – it was such a joy to meet the two of you at Pesach last year. We think of you often and wonder how you are doing – we pray you are well!

  11. 10-18-2017

    Oh Pam… I have no words… I sit here and cry with you. Your road has not been easy, but we see clearly the faith you have in Yah. I love best the comment above, that God holds you in his lap and strokes your hair. Jason was such a sweet man. It is so special that you shared life with him, and so bitter that it didn’t last longer.

    We lost my brother when he was 33, and my mother felt the loss the rest of her life. It gets easier, but not better. As she neared the end of her life at 90, she was looking forward to seeing him again. I know you have that hope too, but I also know that right now, it just hurts. So for now, I sit and cry with you.

    • 10-20-2017

      Thank you Teresa for those kind words….yes…it just hurts. But I ‘see’ him in so much more now than I did before and that gives me a comfort I never thought would be. Thank you dear friend, hope to see you some day again soon.

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