Posted on Oct 1, 2017 | 24 comments

Today is the first day of the week … the day after my son, Jason was laid to rest. It is still surreal. I find myself asking – am I still here? I hear people talking in the background, my mother is keeping the two littlest granddaughters busy ….. making sukkah decorations, chattering nonstop…my brother is sitting across from me on his computer and my father is recuperating from eating too much sugary food yesterday.  My husband? He’s off trying to fix something – keeping busy. I tried. Went out to water the garden….pull some weeds, clip some flowers….tears wouldn’t stay where they belong….so I gave up. Came back in and thought I’d check some mail and finish up some projects on my plate.  Gave that up too. So I thought I’d jot down a few thoughts – it helps.

The morning began when my eyes refused to stay shut any longer and the sun was peaking thru the windows, it was then that thoughts went haywire. No longer would I hear my son calling me on Sabbath and ask me if I had read the torah portion for the week….no longer would I hear him exclaim ‘mom – do you know what that means?’ – no longer would we sit and share deep thoughts and insights into the word of God. No longer. Maybe we could have, should have, would have insisted he check himself into the hospital and get the abdominal aneurysm that the doctors told us he had two years ago. Maybe. But I can’t go there now – that maybe is a never more at this point.

Tried to take comfort in remembering that one day we would shed no tears, and tried to sink back into sleep and shut out the memories that kept swirling in my head. Nothing worked. Slipping quietly out of bed so as not to wake the two littles that stayed last night, I retreated to the deck with a hot cup of coffee Jim whipped up for me. Gazed at the rising sun in the east and repeated the Shema and said good morning to my bubba (Jason) and prayed life over all the ones I love.  Then I began the morning with chores…and now, here I am, rambling.

One more foot in front of the other.

Spread the truth!


  1. 10-1-2017

    You are not rambling Pam. You are grieving and grieving deeply. Writing is a good way to release grief. I did it after Victor passed away. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Do the same if it helps in some small way. And don’t feel you can’t share your writings and your grief. You can. People will understand and be compassionate and kind. Sending love from far away. Sheila

    • 10-1-2017

      Thank you Sheila….and yes, it does help – and in some small way – putting it ‘out there’ may help someone else

      • 10-1-2017

        your heartfelt honesty in your words and grieving heart are definete
        ly a blessing to others going thru the same thing. May Yah keep his arms around you and “carry you” when you see only one set of footprints in the sand

        • 10-1-2017

          He is carrying me … I would not be able to walk thru this without my family and my King.

  2. 10-1-2017

    Beautifully put. Writing will be good therapy for you going forward. Love ya sis.

    • 10-1-2017

      thanks Dinah… maybe the ‘therapy’ for me isn’t ‘therapy’ for anyone else … but … oh well.

      • 10-1-2017

        Yes…your words will help another, and another, and another…. Because the words birthed in the midst of deep pain always, to me, are as the drops of blood shed by Messiah in the Garden of G. Precious and anointed.

        • 10-1-2017

          Thank you Marlene … and if anyone would like to share their ‘own’ grief to help others…I think that would also be a good thing.

  3. 10-1-2017

    You have lots of company out here. Many moms grieving with you and for you and praying for your strength and peace……………

    • 10-1-2017

      I weep with all of them…

  4. 10-1-2017

    Thankyou Pam, for sharing your heart, sharing your grief. It strangely makes us all more human somehow, it connects us all. Grief has a way of bringing things to a focus, it brings a perspective on life that sweeps away all the unimportant & frivolous things, & what is left is then a sobering & profound sense of the depth & importance of love.

    • 10-1-2017

      Your words are so comforting Kathy – I hadn’t thought of that – but yes, it does connect us – and we realize that we all go through so much during this journey of life. It DEFINITELY brings things into focus – and the petty gripes and issues we do have are simply not worth it and should be beneath our feet. “LIFE” and “LIVING” is what is important to our King … not our petty disagreements. Thank you.

  5. 10-1-2017

    Your words and your life are making a difference. Today my son and fiancé were having an emotional episode. Trying to put it in perspective with what you said about the trivia things in life, I told them how thankful I was for them! And I’m so thankful for you and Jim

    • 10-2-2017

      Oh Sharon – so true …. how we focus on all the trivial things in life … well, those must also serve a purpose, BUT … we need to recognize that they are trivial and that the most important thing is repairing relationships. After all, Yahovah … is all about THAT! 🙂

  6. 10-1-2017

    Thanks for sharing your heart Pam and how you are doing. It helps when we are thinking of you so much. Love ya!

    • 10-2-2017

      thank you Rita … and it helps me to know that there are others out there that are so loving and supportive!

  7. 10-1-2017

    Dear Pam,
    My heart goes out to you. My father died in an accident, with us there, when I was 15 and my daughter died in a car accident right before her 17th birthday. It seems no one can say much to help but for whatever it’s worth, I did run across a thought about people not being here to go through the time of trouble. To me, that’s a comforting thought. When we grieve, it’s for ourselves but for the other, they are at rest in Yahshua until His return. I pray that Yah will comfort you, keep you and heal you. Yahweh bless you and yours!

    • 10-2-2017

      Thank you Vickie – my heart grieves for your loss as well – losing a loved one, is so very hard…and losing a child…well, is something no one should have to endure.

  8. 10-2-2017

    May you and your family be comforted !

    Isa 61:3  to appoint unto those who mourn in Tsiyon: to give them embellishment for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. And they shall be called trees of righteousness, a planting of יהוה, to be adorned.

    Isa 61:3  To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

    All love in Him be yours.

    • 10-2-2017

      thank you so much for those kind thoughts.

  9. 10-3-2017

    Dear Pam and family,
    Your grief is real and it is so hard. Your loss is great and heavy to bear. The only way through it is moment by moment, breath by breath, step by step, and day by day.
    Our Heaveny Abba promises to be with us as we pass through the Fire, but does not promise to put the fire out. He also promises to be with us through the flood and the storm, but again, He does not promise to take the flood and storm away. May His presence and His Spirit comfort and encourage you all as you weep and ache and grieve. As Father Abba gently and tenderly holds you all close to His heart, be just as gentle and tender with yourself and your loved ones. If the only effort you are able to expend at this moment is to keep breathing, then rest in knowing it is enough for now. Healing takes time, and our Tender Father knows this. Rest on His lap in His comforting embrace and trust Him to take you all through this.
    My heart aches for you as you walk this sad path. Blessings and comfort from the Father of all comfort.

    • 10-3-2017

      Thank you Linda…moment by moment…breath by breath….step by step and day by day. Exactly

  10. 10-27-2017

    NOT rambling what so ever … for those of us who have experienced deep loss, this is a kind of pain that remains with you daily … a kind of pain that does not go away, but one Abba Father יהוה Yehôvâh through HIS grace helps us with day by day <3

    • 10-27-2017

      Thank you Cyndie …it is a very weird place…but yes – on Yahovah can carry me thru this one!

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